Dear Sam Allardyce

Please fuck off back to Bolton for the following reasons.

1. 4-3-3 will not work when you play three defensive midfielders in the middle of the park away from home, it ends up being 4-5-1. 4-5-1 is not particularly effective going forward, unless there's some threat through the middle and decent delivery from the wings.

2. Stop changing back to 4-4-2 when we go a goal down. Start with 4-4-2 and then, when we go a goal up, consider changing to the much more defensive 4-5-1 by all means, but don't do it the other way around. It's obvious and desperate and the opposition can sit back and defend it easier.

3. Try a tactic that doesn't involve lumping the ball up the middle of the park. It was dull when you were at Bolton (with limited resources, apparently) and it's even more dull now.

4. Try playing players in their natural positions. I know it's a revolutionary idea, but N'Zogbia is a left winger so try playing him there from the start of a game. This, combined with 2 & 3 may actually allow for some crosses going into the box from the wing and not from the half way line.

5. Give post-match interviews to the BBC. I know you don't like the fact they showed you in the Panorama investigation, but seeing as our previous assistant manager was sacked for a much smaller role, you're lucky to be here, so speak to them. I don't want to have to pay Sky to hear what you think you've done.