To My Darling Valentine



Perhaps not the exact sentiments that you'd like to display on your mantelpiece.

Although I suspect that's why he's marrying you.

From FAILblog - putting semen into amusement.

Things To Do When You Are Bored

There are a lot of websites in the world. Mine is just one of them. I don't read mine every day, as I tend to remember what I wrote. I do, however, read a lot of other people's websites every single day - including some that I refresh repeatedly throughout the day.

These are mostly political blogging sites and technology sites, although I have recently started to check out more and more amusing picture sites. There's the classic LOLCats and the spin-off LOLDogs. There's also the sometimes weird Picture Is Unrelated and the wonderful look at everyday life letting you down FAILblog.

And it is from that last one that I discovered Photobombing. Photobombing is basically where you hijack someone else's photograph. The person taking the photo is (usually) aware that there's some hijacking going on, but the people in it almost definitely aren't. Like this, for example.


However, with the advent of compact digital cameras, there's a pretty good chance that one of the people in the photo will actually be taking the photo, and the photobomber has a great opportunity for hijacking without anyone being the wiser until after the photo has been taken. Like this, for example.


There's also the possibility of an accidental bit of photobombing, where something going on in the background that you weren't aware of at the time, only becomes obvious once the picture is seen in a much larger format than the back of the camera. Like the following two fine examples.


So the next time you see someone taking a photo, bomb it. You know it makes sense.

Billboard Fun

H/t again to Obnoxio.

This is great. Change the wording to whatever pleases you.


Click image to embiggen

Things To Do For Free In The Easter Holidays

And I've deliberately used that title in order to garner more hits from Google. This wonderful idea comes from B3ta's sickipedia site.

With the Easter weekend approaching a lot of people will be going to the seaside and visiting amusement arcades. If you live near one of these places it's a good time to play the following prank

1. Get loads of 2p coins
2. Get some Cillit Bang
3. Use the Cillit Bang to write swear words on the coins
4. Go to your local arcade and put them in the 2p pushes machines
5. Enjoy your Easter knowing somebody is going to win a 2p coin that you've written "CUNT" on!

Dan Hannan Rips Gordon Brown A New Arsehole

Already seen on Devil's Kitchen, Guido and probably many more besides, but this is quite simply the best attack on the Prime Mentalist I have ever seen. And done in the full glare of the EU Parliament!



Interestingly, despite covering the Brown Gorgon's trip and quoting extensively from his speech, the only mention of the above speech on the BBC's entire site is in the comments section of Nick Robinson's blog post. Oh dear.

Please Try To Do This To Me

Via The Englishman, a tale from the Telegraph which warms the cockles of my heart.

Basically, the Government (remember them? They're the ones "in charge" who keep making you deeper in debt while piss-arsing around attempting to make every single thing you do illegal) have decided that as well as being drunk smokers, we're also too fat & stupid to do anything about it.

(Now in some cases, I do appreciate that this may well be true. But think of it as natural selection and view each fat drunk smoker as being a slightly increased chance of you receiving a pension at some point in the future and you'll cheer right up.)

But I digress. The Government (remember them? They're the ones who pretend to make laws that are actually forced upon us by our membership of the EU) have decided that we proles are completely ignoring their best efforts at changing our eating/drinking/smoking habits so are planning on using volunteers to nag their colleagues, family and neighbours into living healthier lives.

Oh yes.

People you know (look around at them, those people there) will be trained in ways of "persuading" you to not have that alcohol you've been looking forward to, that cigarette you've been waiting patiently three hours to partake in, or that fried breakfast you treat yourself to a couple of times a week.

And I'm sure you can imagine exactly which one of your friends it will be: the pious, self-righteous, Labour supporting, mung bean knitting twat who cycles to work (to save the planet) - but who still flies to Mauritius twice a year with the three kids (out of term time, natch) to see how "poor people really live", while simultaneously complaining about how crap the locals are at customer service.

How long can it be before these smug bastards decide to wander up to people they don't know? They're righteous bastards, they won't be able to help themselves. They'll start off by coughing at people who smoke outdoors. They'll tut at strangers who are going into McDonald's or Gregg's. Then they'll actually start haranguing people properly.

I look forward to it, I really do. As there's nothing I enjoy more than a good argument followed by a bit of physical violence. I do hope the training these "mentors" receive includes first-aid and self defence, because I have a fear this may well get ugly.

The English Abroad

Would appear to be completely clueless.

The Daily Mash - Again Bang On The Money

In a "report" titled "WHY ARE ALL THE PUBS CLOSING? ASK PEOPLE WHO NEVER GO TO THE PUB"

Millions of people across Britain who never go to the pub were last night asking why all the pubs were closing down.

As it was revealed that 2000 pubs have closed in the last year, non-pub goers said their community would not be the same without the local pub they never went to.

Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: "I was delighted when the smoking ban came in because it meant I could finally go to the pub without being killed.

"But then I didn't, mainly because I'm not the sort of person who likes going to pubs. I prefer to stay in with a carton of pomegranate juice and a bag of pine nuts and make long lists of all the things I want banned.

"Now it turns out that nobody else is going either because quite a lot of the people who used to go to the pub also liked to smoke. But none of this explains why all the pubs are closing down."

Julian Cook, from Devon, said: "Our local pub looks really lovely from the outside. It's got flower baskets and a nice old fashioned sign. Unfortunately it's used by local people with accents who dress differently from me and who are, I suspect, incredibly racist."

Which would be hilarious if it weren't so true. The next bit however did make me laugh out loud.

Former pub owner Charlie Reeves, from Hereford, said: "We were told that the smoking ban would mean lots of young mums and dads bringing their children in. But that didn't really help because there's only so much Guinness you can pour down a three year-old before it falls asleep."

Followed by the bit I'd like on a t-shirt:

"Then there's the added factor that a pub with children in it isn't really a pub, it's a fucking hell hole."

The Daily Mash

TDM are in fine form at the moment. Following on from their earlier piece about Gordon Brown refusing to hand back his pension, we now have their take on Harriet Harperson's claim that the Government can change any law they like if enough people are against something.

Law of Gravity is to be repealed.

"THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.

Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman said millions of ordinary people were furious that the universal force holding everything in place had been able to get away with it for so long.

She told the BBC's Andrew Marr Show: "Gravity might be enforceable in a court of law, or the universe, but it is not enforceable in the court of public opinion, and that is where the government steps in.

"People in this country want to know why heavy things don't just float about on the breeze like helium-filled balloons.

"Meanwhile ordinary families are dreading September and the prospect of millions of ripe, juicy apples bouncing off their hard-working skulls."

Ms Harman hinted that other universal constants may have to be reviewed, insisting the majority of taxpayers now think the speed of light is 'out of control'.

Clicking her fingers, she added: "It's that quick. In fact it might even be quicker than that. Do we really want light whizzing about the place in such a selfish and irresponsible manner?"

But British businesses have warned they may quit the country if heavy things are just going to float around in mid-air.

A spokesman for JCB, the JCB manufacturers, said: "A 20 tonne earth mover is of little use if it's suspended 40 feet above the earth it's supposed to be moving. You just can't get any purchase."

Bill McKay, professor of contractual physics at Reading University, said: "Let me try to explain this in layman's terms. Harriet Harman is an unbearably ghastly human being who will say and do anything to become leader of the Labour Party."

Of Pensions Gained. And Lost.

There has been an astounding furore over the Fred Goodwin pension debacle. Perhaps an element of jealousy from some quarters has been directed at Fred himself. The Government - via the mouthpiece of Harriet Harperson - has decided it needs to "do something" because of the public outcry (by retrospectively applying a new law that has been designed for one person, can't see anything going wrong with that, can you?).

Yet, of the people most likely to complain about Fred's pension, I'm sure most of them fail to see that Cristiano Ronaldo* "earns" Fred's annual remittance in a little over a month. For falling over a lot. And complaining. Ronaldo, like Goodwin, signed a contract guaranteeing him that money. Goodwin, like Ronaldo, should be paid that money. Whether it is obscene or not is a matter of opinion. Opinions are like arseholes, every one has one, but no-one really wants to hear someone else's.

I however, am an arsehole with a blog, so here's my opinion. Lord Mynas is the one who should be investigated and dealt with using the full scope of the current laws. It is he who agreed the remuneration package, and it is he who has deliberately leaked private conversations with Goodwin into the public domain in an attempt to smear him.

If there's anyone who actually needs their pension pot investigating and removing, I'd recommend Gordon Brown, who oversaw a disastrous collapse in the UK economy - as do the Daily Mash in genius fashion (re-printed below)

BROWN REFUSES TO HAND BACK PENSION

GORDON BROWN last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.

He also has a nice big house which you pay for.

Mr Brown was defiant in the face of City outrage despite the UK government's annual operating loss of £100bn, rising to £1.5 trillion when the write-down of its banking assets is taken into account.

The prime minister said: "I've been building up this pension since I became an MP, it's all completely legal and now you want to take it away because I've been catastrophically bad at my job and you're looking for a scapegoat. What gives?"

He added: "Yes I've been in charge of financial regulation for 12 years, yes I encouraged the housing bubble, and yes I pissed billions up the wall giving pointless jobs to Labour voters, but I fail to see what any of this has to do with me being incredibly well off."

Brown's £3m pension pot is expected to cast the spotlight on the extravagant retirement packages of other failed politicians including Alistair Darling's inexplicable £1.7m and the £1.5m awarded to John Prescott for being a national scandal for 10 years.

Meanwhile Margaret Beckett has a fund worth £1.7m, something called 'Hilary Armstrong' has £1.2m and Tessa Jowell has £1m even though no-one has the faintest idea what any of them actually did.

Critics insist Mr Brown has a moral duty to hand back his pension fund as he will inevitably receive a multi-million pound advance for two volumes of eye-gougingly tedious memoirs which will end up in the bargain bucket at WH Smith within a fortnight.

Martin Bishop, head of pension rows at the Institute for Studies, said: "It's a fascinating dynamic. The politicians blame the bankers, the bankers blame the politicians, and the ordinary taxpayer is down on all fours with a confused look on his face, being fucked at both ends."

* - insert any current overpaid footballer's name here.

A Company You Can Trust

From The Daily WTF


"I can't decide if the biggest WTF is using poster board, stencils and multiple colours of what appears to be chalk in their quest of 'moving technology forward' or the fact that they apparently made a mistake while putting the 'N' in consulting and just decided to use a bit of masking tape to correct it, rather than flip the board over and start again."

One For The Geeks

If you're not a geek, you might just want to look away now. And I recommend here if you want to amuse yourself.

If you're reading this, I'm guessing you *are* a geek. And you may well be interested in the following. There is an online tool which allows you to look up the possible serial numbers and WPA keys for SpeedTouch modems (as used by BT). Handy, if you were planning on having a back-up internet connection but didn't want to go to the expense of getting a second line fitted.

Okay, it's a hacker's delight. And it's NOT a brute force attack, all you need is the SSID.

Enjoy.

Happy Coincidence

Picture from Guido's Friday Caption Contest:


Headline from the BBC:

Balls found inside rattling dog

IT - It's All About Cooling

As is so often the case, when your computer goes kaput, it's likely to be down to the failure of one small fan. The same applies, apparently, to the UKTV servers.



Hat-tip to DailyWTF via Timmy

How Not To Name Your Child

Something from yesterday that I didn't get time to do, a child in New Zealand has had her name changed by a judge. Her parents had initially named her Talula Dances The Hula From Hawaii. Which is quite some name.

Judge Rob Murfitt said that the name embarrassed the nine-year-old and could expose her to teasing. No shit, you think? "The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," Judge Murfitt wrote. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

"New Zealand does not allow names that would cause offence or that are longer than 100 characters" Registrar-General Brian Clarke said. "Officials often tried to talk parents out of particularly unusual choices that could embarrass their offspring" the Associated Press news agency quoted him as saying.

Which is fair enough, when some people have attempted to call their children: Yeah Detroit; Stallion; Twisty Poi; Keenan Got Lucy; Sex Fruit; Fat Boy; Cinderella Beauty Blossom; Fish and Chips (twins)

However, this does fall down slightly when you see the names they have actually let through: Violence; Number 16 Bus Shelter*; Midnight Chardonnay; Benson and Hedges (twins)

Strange people, Kiwi's, strange people.

* I'm presuming this nomenclature is similar in rationale to Brooklyn Beckham's, although obviously a great deal less glamorous

I'm Covered In Bees, Eh?!

With the line from Eddie Izzard, the rather awful pay off. A truck containing twelve million (yes, twelve million) bees over turns in Canada.

My favourite bit (and as there's a video, I was a bit spoiled for choice) was this:

A Canadian journalist who tried to get too close to the overturned truck was stung several times, but no-one has been seriously injured.

Those Canadian journos, eh? Never ones to let getting stung repeatedly by bees in the way of a good story.

And just for good measure, Eddie Izzard, covered in bees.



(Or click here if the video isn't playing)

I Suspect You May Be Lying

From a BBC page about the 11 plus, someone who may not be telling the truth.



In order; "which" instead of "that", "i" instead of "I", "their" instead of "there", "done" instead of "did", missing "is" between "school" and "because", comma instead of full stop after "sex", "their" instead of "there" (again), "would of" instead of "would have". I'm sure there are others, but you get my drift.

Liar.

You Are Doing It All Wrong

The name should tell you all you need to know. Click here then just keep clicking on the pictures to get more examples of world class stupidity*.

I'm sure some of them are photoshopped.


I hope that some of them are photoshopped.


But rather a lot of them just appear to be well, like this.


A fantastic way to amuse yourself for a few hours. A bit like the Darwin Awards, but in pictures.

*hat tip to The Devil herself.

God Bless The Onion

Nicely ripping the piss out of World Of Warcraft players.


'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

Lib Dems Also Wankers, Shock

The documents relating to a FOI request into MP's expense claims have been released. Among the nuggets released so far, receipts from 2003 show the then prime minister Tony Blair spent more than £10,000 on refurbishing the kitchen at Myrobela - his constituency home in county Durham. Items included tiling and £1,000 on fitting a mantel shelf to the AGA.

More entertainingly, the MP's are HUGELY pissed off that their home addresses are going to be published. The High Court ruled that MPs' addresses should be published - pointing out they were already disclosed when MPs sought nomination for election and if someone was determined to discover it, they were likely to be able to do so.

Liberal Democrat MP Bob Russell has tabled a motion calling for a breakdown of the expenses of, and home addresses of, High Court judges. Conservative MP Julian Lewis backed Mr Russell's move in the Commons on Thursday, branding the release of MPs' addresses "barking mad" and claiming it opened them up to hate mail and attacks by "extremists".

Perhaps if your expense claims weren't so fucking outrageous, and you hadn't backed the illegal war in Iraq quite so obediently, you wouldn't have so many people anxious to tell you what a shower of cunts you all are. Just a thought.