Please Try To Do This To Me

Via The Englishman, a tale from the Telegraph which warms the cockles of my heart.

Basically, the Government (remember them? They're the ones "in charge" who keep making you deeper in debt while piss-arsing around attempting to make every single thing you do illegal) have decided that as well as being drunk smokers, we're also too fat & stupid to do anything about it.

(Now in some cases, I do appreciate that this may well be true. But think of it as natural selection and view each fat drunk smoker as being a slightly increased chance of you receiving a pension at some point in the future and you'll cheer right up.)

But I digress. The Government (remember them? They're the ones who pretend to make laws that are actually forced upon us by our membership of the EU) have decided that we proles are completely ignoring their best efforts at changing our eating/drinking/smoking habits so are planning on using volunteers to nag their colleagues, family and neighbours into living healthier lives.

Oh yes.

People you know (look around at them, those people there) will be trained in ways of "persuading" you to not have that alcohol you've been looking forward to, that cigarette you've been waiting patiently three hours to partake in, or that fried breakfast you treat yourself to a couple of times a week.

And I'm sure you can imagine exactly which one of your friends it will be: the pious, self-righteous, Labour supporting, mung bean knitting twat who cycles to work (to save the planet) - but who still flies to Mauritius twice a year with the three kids (out of term time, natch) to see how "poor people really live", while simultaneously complaining about how crap the locals are at customer service.

How long can it be before these smug bastards decide to wander up to people they don't know? They're righteous bastards, they won't be able to help themselves. They'll start off by coughing at people who smoke outdoors. They'll tut at strangers who are going into McDonald's or Gregg's. Then they'll actually start haranguing people properly.

I look forward to it, I really do. As there's nothing I enjoy more than a good argument followed by a bit of physical violence. I do hope the training these "mentors" receive includes first-aid and self defence, because I have a fear this may well get ugly.